the optimistic pessimist

confessions and musings of a perfectionist as prodded by Avril Lavigne

The first time I heard the song, I was trying to catch a certain music video on MTV in a hotel room on the way home from the beach. I thought nothing of it then, but as I look back the timing was crucial, because I don't watch tv at home, and even if I did, I don't get MTV. But, if I had missed that particular music video, I still would have heard the song on the radio, and become interested in it then. Or perhaps not, because I remember being particularly captivated by the images - something absent on the radio. In any case, the melody was nice and catchy, so over the rest of the summer I found myself increasingly pleased to hear it coming through my car stereo as I drove along. But the whole time I was enjoying the melody, the images wouldn't leave my head, and they were joined by the lyrics, ever increasing in my memory. Finally, I realized why I couldn't stop thinking of the ideas contained in the song. While Avril Lavigne's "My Happy Ending" had become a familier tune to sing, the worldview of the lyrics was alien to the worldview I have been trying to ingrain into my thoughts for quite some time.

In this song Avril is lamenting the seemingly inexplicable failure of a romantic relationship ("Was it something I did? Was it something You said?"). She is especially unhappy because this relationship seemed so perfect ("You were everything, everything that I wanted. We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it"). Now even her memories are tainted with bitterness because he apparently didn't feel the same as her ("And the memories, so close to me, just fade away. All this time you were pretending."). "So much for my happy ending" she sings, again and again.

I identify with the pain in the words, and the hopelessness of a failed effort, because I once thought, and still struggle not to think, as she does. Her song exemplifies the worldview where the ultimate purpose is happiness. The tragedy of Avril's song is that a "happy ending" was a real possibility, and while it ended up not materializing, it could have. That leaves two possibilities: either the failure to attain happiness was your fault, and you are haunted with guilt, unhappiness, and "what if I had" thoughts; or it was another's fault, and you are overcome with anger, helplessness, and a loss of trust in others. Believers in this worldview will always face one or the other, because happiness is fleeting, and we are a fallen and sinful people.

This is the worldview where you are the person who has to work things out so you find that happiness. This is the worldview where you mess up, and hindsight can depress you for months. This is the worldview where you long to reverse time and have second chances. This is the worldview that breeds perfectionism, because if you don't get it right life might not go on, or it might have been better. This is the worldview where the grass is usually greener somewhere else. This is the worldview where God might be sovereign, or loving, or personal, but not all three at once.

By God's grace, this is the worldview I live in no longer. Now, I do not just know, but truly believe that God is sovereign, loving, and personal, all at the same time. Instead of wasting countless hours worrying or wondering breathlessly whether this boy or that will bring me happiness, I can rest secure in the knowledge that God, who truly is sovereign, has my best interests in mind. Now, when I fail or something turns out in a way I didn't want, I do not wail "so much for my happy ending," because it's not the end. Now I know I cannot fail, because the end is not up to me, and as long as I try, His grace is sufficient to keep me content. Instead of planning my way to happiness, His plans are my happiness.